May you discover upon arrival that they’re only serving small, lukewarm, overpriced bowls of fettuccine Alfredo. May you walk a mile in the ice to a hotel restaurant to get a warm meal.May you spend days cultivating a “warm room” in your home when your power goes out, then lose any heat you’ve garnered when you accidentally leave the door open for ten seconds.May you (like Katy Vine, patron saint of reptiles) hold your child’s desert lizard against your body for several days, lest it get too cold to live.May you drink some water made from melted icicles only to learn from TikTok that icicles contain “roof poop.”.May you make direct eye contact with your neighbor during your yard pee.May snow slip off an overhang as you pass underneath it, nailing you right on your noggin while you’re heading outside to pee.

Mid-flush, may your toilet shudder and cease to operate.

May you forget yourself and drink a glass of the spooky tap water without thinking.

May you record yourself making a snow angel for the first time in your life only to realize that you’re lying on your neighbor’s dog’s frozen deposits.

May you realize that the only gloves you own are the porous Cinderella-style ones from your Halloween costume.May you buy it, cut it into quadrants, and eat it over two days. May the Pop-Tart be the weird cherry flavor. May you wait in line outside the only open grocery store for four hours only to find that there is no food left, save a Pop-Tart that slipped under some shelving.Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night would keep Ted Cruz from flying to Mexico for a vacation with his family. This week, as millions of Texans were left without power and water as temperatures dropped to record lows, one man said no-not me.

Cursed pop tart flavors